"When I read this book, I felt it was a gift from God. It changed my life." K.S., Placerville, CA
"This book changed the way I viewed my life and my own suffering. I can now see that God allows us to go through pain to reveal His love for us." D.W., Idaho
Table of Contents
PART I: The Cross
11. Ten Commandments
PART II: The Tomb
19. True Self
20. Darkness Approaching
25. The Big Lie
31. The Temple
32. Temple Building
33. The Kingdom
40. Flying in Reverse
PART III: Hell
41. Multiple Personality
45. Blown Up
58. What Happened?
You walk into a strange land. The place is somewhere you have never been before. Something or someone is calling you. They are calling you to change your life. You are not sure where the voice is coming from. It seems like it is coming from inside, perhaps within you, within your own mind. This still small voice is requesting your presence. You do not know why but you are compelled to follow the words.
The words are saying, "You don't have a life." You feel your life has not been worthwhile. Even though you may have everything on the outside, you are feeling empty on the inside. None of it seems to matter anymore. All that seems to matter is this voice you keep hearing that seems to be saying, "Change your ways and follow me."
You don't know what this means. You only know that it means more than anything else does to you. You have to follow the words no matter what they say. In fact, it seems you are not going to like what they say. Nevertheless, you know you must obey the voice. Nothing else matters. This is your only concern, and it never stops. You must hearken unto this voice, for peace will not come until you do. You have to obey the voice. It will lead you to die. You will not be able to resist. Even though the experience will be painful.
It does not matter how the process occurs. There are probably as many ways as there are people. You will not know when it is going to happen. You may suspect something different, mainly because of the voice. But you are not sure because you think that death is a metaphor. It is not. Death is real.
For instance, you could be led to attend a seminar. The instructions are not what are important; continuing to listen to the voice is.
More often than not you will not like where the voice is leading you. The dark valley will not be the place of your choosing. No one chooses death - it is made for them. We volunteer, but only because we were made to. It is quite a paradox.
Your death can last hours and even days. Let's say for four days you go through the death process. What happens during this torment? All of your being is confronted. Who are you? You begin to feel you are losing yourself. You are not. It is only a false self that needs to be shed that you are losing.
However, this pseudo-self will feel like it is really who you are. It is not. That self has rules it lives by. The regulations will soon be thrown out the door.
What will even seem stranger is you will be doing the opposite of the norm. It will seem contrary to your inner being. You will have nothing to base your choices on. Only the voice will guide you. People will tell you what to do. What they say is not important. The voice is everything. It will help you through this difficult time.
At times you will want to get out of it. But deep down you know there is no return, once you have decided to listen to the voice. It is as if the voice controls your actions.
After the first day you may be exhausted thinking to yourself, "I'm not returning." Life is being taken from you. And you know you are dying. But will you be willing to go through it? Yes, you will, for He will have someone there to help you complete the work. Everyone else will seem like they are getting better.
Everyone except you. For as they receive life, you will be receiving death. They are coming more alive to the world, while you are becoming more dead to it. It seems inconsistent to you, and at times you will be frustrated. But you know you have to go through with it, the voice is relentless.
This interrogation seems endless. You begin to feel like you are in some concentration camp. And you are being thoroughly questioned, "Who are you?" You begin to wonder yourself. Pretty soon you are finding yourself losing touch with reality or what you think is yourself. Why? Because these people who can be real, or in your head, are telling you rotten things about yourself. You do not want to identify with this self even though what they are saying is true. You have always tried to deny this reality; that you actually hate yourself. You have substituted all kinds of ways to not have to look at yourself. One of the main ways is religion. You hide behind what you think is a perfect self-but really isn't a self at all. Only a false self you have erected so you do not have to look at the real self which is ugly and filled with dead men's bones.
I'm not saying religion is the only way you cover up your "rotten" self. I am saying it is the most successful and devastating way. It tries to keep you from dying. You are rotten. You have to die. It is like shellacking crap. You cannot make it pretty but you can try. All the time feeling and sensing it is not true. You can smell the stink but the aroma of religion helps to cover some of the smell. But you can still smell. You know deep down inside something is still wrong in your life.
Your first exercise will be to test your listening capability. How well do you listen to the voice? You are about to be tested. What do people think of you? The voice says it does not matter, but that truth begins to fade as you receive numerous compliments about how good your character is. This may be true but if you base your character on their opinions you have made them gods.
Perhaps the voice may be telling you someone is about to tell you some lies. Do not listen to a word they are saying. Since it will be negative you do not have a problem tuning the witch out. But even though you are warned, the fact that someone has such an ugly opinion of you surprises you. How could they treat you that way? How could they talk that way about you? They do not even know you. How dare them have the audacity to say such terrible things?
This person who is untruthful, filled with lies, will become the hero of the group. Then you question everyone else's integrity or ability to discern.
The only assurance you have is that the voice has told you the truth consistently and constantly. It seems as if everyone hates you. And in fact they probably do. This reality almost overwhelms you. For your goal was that others see you as a loving person. This is not love. Love needs no audience or fans. It relies only on itself and the voice of truth.
By the time you finish with this exercise you think you will feel good. No, for all your focus has gone to that one liar. It does not matter that it was a lie. She seemed to have all the power. That power seems to have killed you a little bit, because of the strength it took to counterattack it. You find yourself weaker from the ordeal, but stronger spiritually.
You start to think, "What else will they try to do to you?" You begin to wonder why you are there. It seems to be killing you. It doesn't dawn on you that that is why you are there. For what is being preached is that you are going to feel better, enhance the self. You wonder when you will feel this exhilaration.
You begin to question your sanity. It does appear others are getting better. Why not you? Why can't you feel the same way they do? You are feeling ripped off, and wish you never came.
You start to wonder, "How bad can it get?" You do not realize that it can get much worse, and it does.
Why are you here? You sure are not going to tell anyone the truth because the truth is that a voice told you to go. You know what they would do with such a person. They would probably humiliate you. So you say a friend recommended you come. That too is ripped apart because you should own up to coming for yourself. Even though this is not the truth you begin to question your own realities. They are creating doubt within your psyche. Why? What is in it for them to tear up your identity? What is the pay-off? Does condemning you make them feel better? It sure seems that way. For you are feeling and getting mighty low. And they are beginning to stand taller with all the confidence in the world. They seem to be acting like they are some glorified beings, ones that you do not like much. In fact, you are thinking, "What gives them the right to condemn people? Who do they think they are, God?" You are not feeling too much love towards these people at this time.
Imagine you are about to enter a football game. Are you willing to be coached? I say, "no, not if the coach is a jerk." It doesn't matter how wonderful he says he is. You don't sense any compassion from him. He says he is there for you, but you haven't seen one drop of indication he cares for you. In fact, you feel just the opposite. You feel more like a target for his vindictive words, a verbal onslaught. They feel like darts, aimed to kill you. How can you possibly play for this coach? You don't trust him. You feel that to play for a coach you must like him. He earned your respect by treating you kindly. So far that is the last thing he has shown you.
You cannot let him coach, but you decide to stay because the voice says He will coach you. He has shown you compassion. You do trust Him. So you stay on the team but your coach cannot be seen with the naked eye. Nobody knows who your coach is. They think you are staying and willing to be coached by this selfish bigot. They do not know your coach is the voice.
The next request is "Will you participate in practices one hundred percent of the time?" No, not because you want me to, but you will participate one hundred percent in the way the voice directs you to participate. You are not there for them. You are there for the sake of the voice, which tells you to be there.
Symposium Publishing (an imprint of Blue Dolphin Publishing), 2000
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