Intimacy is that interchange and feeling created when two humans have the courage to truly be themselves with one another. Life, love and sex become an endless journey of delight and discovery. Intimacy is the juice that keeps the relationship alive, vital and ever new.
Who needs a playbook on sex? Any couple can benefit and make their sexual relationship even better. This playbook will give you many tools to promote the ongoing evolution of your sexual relationship as well as your complete relationship.
Table of Contents
Section 1: The Foundation for a Great Relationship
1. Sex and the Sexual Beliefs
2. Attitudes that Promote Personal Growth
3. Communicating for Greater Intimacy
4. Rescue in Relationship
5. Emotional Intimacy for Going Deeper
6. Emotional Support and Stroking
7. Passion in Everyday Life
8. Balancing Our Lives for Health and Joy
9. Self-Esteem and Body Image
Section 2: Sex, Love and You
10. Gender Differences
11. Anger and Sex Make Terrible Bed Partners
12. Love and Affection
13. Romance to Warm Up Your Nights and Days
14. Health and Hygiene
15. Good Sex is Letting Go
16. Touch to Enhance Your Life
17. Self-Pleasuring Is for Grown-Ups
18. Advanced Pleasuring When You're Ready
19. Giving Yourself Permission to be Fully Sexual
20. Thinking Passionately
21. Arousal and Desire
22. Loveplay, Every Day in Every Way
23. Keeping It Playful for Eternal Loving
24. Spirituality and Sex
25. Putting it All Together for Sexual Ecstasy
Safer Sex, Smart Sex
Information for Therapists Using This Playbook
When the fire of lust in a relationship has died, there is little fuel available to spark hot, loving sex. We believe the fuel for an enduring, passionate, love affair is the ever growing depth of intimacy reached by a couple.
We have drawn this conclusion after 50+ years of clinical experience where we have consistently seen individuals with sexual issues who have limited intimacy skills and abilities.
What Is Intimacy?
Intimacy is that interchange and feeling created when two humans have the courage to truly be their real selves with one another. Sharing on an intimate level with your partner means fully revealing parts of your physical, emotional and spiritual self as you evolve and grow. We call it telling your truth, or being honest.
The essence of intimacy is feeling open, real and accepted. This creates a charged, dynamic symbol of that intimacy found in sexual union. When there is intimacy, there is a comfort level created to support great sex. There is a trust of not being judged, a knowing that your true sexual self can feel joy and be enjoyed by your partner's true sexual self, thus creating a circular flow of sexual pleasure and deepening intimacy.
This entire "playbook" is about the relationship of intimacy, love and sex, about the interplay of physical and emotional intimacy. We believe that, ultimately, there is no separation between physical and emotional intimacy. These are united within each human being. Humans express their love and playfulness through sex because we are very sexual beings. Our sexuality is at the root of who we are, literally and figuratively.
Humans are very complex, broad and deep. Because there are only so many sexual positions, sexual boredom can take over in a long-term relationship. However, when intimacy is the basis for a loving relationship, the depth and possibilities for sexual exploration become infinite. The couple is no longer bound to the known. Life, love and sex become an endless journey of delight and discovery. Intimacy is the juice that keeps the relationship alive, vital, and ever new.
Our hope is that reading this book will give you the vision and the tools to create a complete sexual and loving intimate relationship. Using these tools will not only add to the quality of your relationship, but to your individual life as well.
Although there may not be a consensus in the general population as to the nature of healthy sexuality, we have written this playbook to allow you to examine your belief systems and patterns of behavior so you, the reader, can explore and open yourself and your sexuality to a vast and ever evolving way of being with your partner. Let go of the concept of "normal" and simply enjoy the journey.
In Chapter 26, we describe what we believe a healthy sexual person to be. In the same chapter we list the 13 keys for sexual ecstasy and ongoing intimacy in a long-term relationship. Yes, this could be called super sex, but it is within the reach of any couple willing to give it some attention. Healthy sex is sexuality that keeps expanding, while defying common definitions and measures. Great sex is a totality: a circle of love, tenderness, caring, spirit, playfulness, connection, exploration, and adventure while being a fundamental source of emotional strength and health for the individual and the couple.
We, Orv. and Jeffre, are not sitting as objective observers, but as real life people involved in relationship. We continue to grow and evolve using these practices and developing skills to deepen and enrich our own marriages. We experience juice, excitement, health, passion and an overall turned-on quality to life. We see our lives and our relationships as a living laboratory in which these skills have been and will continue to be honed.
About this Playbook
This "playbook" has been written for the individual or couple who has chosen to look at him/her self and desires to have deeper intimacy and better sex in their relationship. Although this playbook is oriented for heterosexual couples, same sex couples will find it very useful as well. References will be in a heterosexual context, but we have found relationship issues to be very similar regardless of sexual preference.
We have chosen to call this a "manual" rather than a workbook for multiple reasons. A manual implies hands-on, of which there will be much as you move through the practices. We are not calling it a workbook because we believe that the primary joy of sex is the actual fun and play of sex. Sometimes we will call this book a manual and sometimes a playbook.
Do you and your partner need a playbook about sex? Who needs a playbook on sex? With more than fifty combined years of clinical experience, the authors believe anyone or any couple can benefit and make their sexual relationship even better.
This manual is written primarily for the committed heterosexual couple who has a reasonable good relationship. We do not intend for it to be a substitute for competent counseling. We are assuming that you can talk to each other about feelings and important personal issues.
Perhaps you can recall that your sexual relationship used to be hotter. Maybe you have always wanted to make changes in your sexual relationship. Perhaps you and your partner sincerely want to put more sizzle in your sexual life. Regardless of your personal reasons for choosing to follow this program, it is important for those who are experiencing serious sexual dysfunction, such as erectile problems, inorgasmia, pre-ejaculation, etc., to consult a qualified sexual specialist.
When you have completed this playbook, you will have many tools to promote the ongoing evolution of your sexual relationship as well as your complete relationship. We believe strongly that the quality of one's sexual relationship is directly related to the depth of intimacy experienced in the overall relationship.
Each chapter is a different topic. We have carefully designed this playbook so that optimal results will be obtained if read and practiced in the order presented. If for some reason you do not like the order or wish to skip around, each chapter stands on its own. Be sure you and your partner have a mutual agreement to do that. Try to complete each chapter. You will get more out of it.
Each chapter will take about two to four hours to complete. We hope you will want to do the entire chapter at one time. Each chapter includes information as well as practices to speed your learning. Doing the practices completely and in order will dramatically increase the benefits you receive. However, it is always better to do some rather than do nothing. (We don't give bad marks if you don't follow the instructions.) In each chapter we introduce real people and actual couple situations to remind you that you are not alone and are not the first to have a challenge in your love life.
Making Time: The First Step
For any long-term relationship to be successful, each partner must give it top priority in their life. In other words, your relationship must come first - before friends, family and work. This may sound bold or weird, but remember the intimacy and eagerness you both felt when courting. Recall the amount of time you spent thinking about your partner, not to mention the time the two of you actually spent together. By giving your relationship greater time and attention, you can recapture much of the excitement and passion you once felt for one another. It truly can be as simple as that.
Blue Dolphin Publishing, 2001
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