If you are considering an abortion, this book is for you. Read the stories of women and girls who have had abortions. Read about their lives and decisions. You may find a story similar to your own.
The intention is not to put a guilt trip on you, or hit you over the head with religion, or pass judgment on you. This book was written because of and for women who are in difficult situations.
The women who shared their stories are very brave. As you read about their lives you will laugh, cry, even get angry. Most of all, in reading these stories you may be better able to decide what is right for you. An abortion is a big step with life-long consequences.
In the author's experience as a marriage and family counselor, the loss of a baby in abortion causes post-abortion trauma in nearly every case. Abortion causes a permanent loss. It is because of that loss that serious problems begin to affect the lives of women who have had abortions.
There are alternatives to abortion. Thousands of loving couples who can't give birth themselves are praying daily for a woman to care enough to share her blessing of birth with them.
Others have been where you are at this moment. You are not alone.
Table of Contents
1. "Maybe All I Have to Do Is Take a Pill"
2. "I Tried to Forget"
3. "It's Either It or Me!"
4. "Our World Was Falling Apart and Nobody Cared"
5. "They Said I Wouldn't Care"
6. "It's Going to Be Easy"
7. "My Husband Didn't Want Children"
8. "I Wish I Hadn't Done It!"
9. "I Couldn't Kill My Baby"
10. "Daddies Cry, Too"
11. "I'll Never Be a Grandma"
12. "Daddy and Mommy Love Me"
13. People Who Help
14. Medical Problems Related to Abortion
15. History of Abortifacients and Contraceptives
16. Ancient and Modern Abortifacients and Contraceptives
The day my whole world fell apart was wind-swept, depressing and grey. Even the trees lining the clinic's driveway had to jiggle back and forth in an effort to resist the cutting gusts. Several bushes near the front of my doctor's office were bent over the sidewalk. As I brushed past them they dropped small pieces of dried leaves onto my coat. My eyes were blinded with tears. I was so upset I couldn't seem to remember where I had parked my car. The sound of Doctor Baker's voice was still ringing in my ears.
"Betty, you're pregnant, about six weeks I would say."
Pregnant! Oh, God, why? I wasn't married, and I didn't even have a boyfriend. I suppose Dr. Baker assumed Bob and I were married. We had been going together for two years and everybody in town just put the two of us together. We were planning on getting married but just last week we decided to call it quits. Bob had been anxious for us to get married but I was still a sophomore in college, nineteen years old. I wanted my career, I had to have my career. I'd given up Bob for it. I had to, I had to be a criminal lawyer like my dad. And now everything was ruined, my life was over.
I'm not certain how I got to, or into, my car. I put my head down on the steering wheel and broke into tears. What was I going to do? Dad would never believe his "Pumpkin" wasn't a virgin, and Mother would probably click her tongue and say, "Well what did you expect?" Then she'd lecture me for an hour until I would be crying and ready to do anything she suggested.
I couldn't tell my parents, and I didn't want to tell Bob. He'd insist on marriage. I drove back to the college as if I were in a dream. I even imagined a car wreck that might cause me to lose the baby. I wouldn't have to face anyone if that happened. But I was a coward. I'd always been a wimp and both my brothers teased me about being a sissy. Even with blurry eyes I managed to find my way into the dormitory parking lot. How I managed to drive with my body shaking with sobs was a mystery, but then, right now, everything was a mystery....
How could I have gotten pregnant? Bob and I had been so careful, I always insisted he use a condom. Then I remembered. It was the night of the homecoming game. We had a couple drinks at the club and decided to sneak out early and go to his apartment. We had really been going at it in the car and when we got to the apartment we landed on the sofa. How could I get pregnant just doing it once without anything? It wasn't fair. What would I do with a baby? Keep it in my desk drawer?
Maybe I could just take a pill of some sort and it would cause me to start menstruating. After all, the Doctor said it was only about six weeks. It probably wasn't even a baby yet.
That was it. Maybe I could just take a pill. Surely some of the girls would know what to do. My mind started racing down a list of the girls I knew. Most of them were going with guys and some of them were dating heavy. I was frantic. Which one would keep her mouth shut?...
What if no one knew anything? What if there was no way out for me? What if I had to have the baby after all? I'd ask Jenny. Maybe she would keep my secret. I was desperate. I didn't know what else to do.
I stumbled down the hall and pushed the door open into Jen's room. She was flopped across her bed reading a comic book. It was hard but I spurted it out.
"Jen, I'm pregnant. Oh! Jenny do you know anything I can take to get rid of it?" I burst into tears as I dropped into a chair covered with blouses and wet stockings....
"For God's sake, Bets, dry your eyes. You look like a mummy. By the way it might cost a few bucks, but then with an allowance like yours that shouldn't matter, right?" I had loaned Jenny money before and she was always a little ticked because my allowance was a great deal bigger than hers. Her dad owned a small garage which wasn't all that prosperous, so Jenny had to work all summer to help pay her tuition.
"Come on, snap out of it. You aren't the first gal that's gotten caught. I'll bring you something tomorrow morning during assembly. I'll have to make a few telephone calls but I can get it for you." Her large brown eyes snapped. She had me under her power and that was the way Jen liked things. I wondered about blackmail. I had no other way out. I'd just have to take a chance.
Jenny jumped back into the middle of the bed and picked up her Captain Marvel comic book. "Bug off, Bets. I'm expecting a telephone call and I don't want your ears around." Jen giggled as she pointed to the door. "Look, your beautiful bod is going to be all right, so knock off the sour puss and get out of here." Somehow her nonchalant attitude came over me and I felt as if maybe, just maybe, everything was going to be all right.
The next morning I waited anxiously for the assembly bell to ring. Jenny said she would meet me in the auditorium and give me some pills that would take care of everything. All I could do was hope she made her connections. I wondered just what her "making connections" meant.
"Here, I'm over here." I saw Jen's bright red hair bobbing near the back door of the auditorium. I'd saved a seat near the side door. I wanted to get this thing taken care of as soon as possible.
"Hi! Bets, thanks for saving a seat for me," Jenny laughed as she tossed her green jacket onto the back of the seat next to mine, then stashed her pack under the seat.
"Jen, did you bring them, the pills I mean?" I whispered so no one could hear my plea. I don't know why but I felt like a criminal. What a mess I had gotten into!
"Sure, didn't I tell you I would," Jenny giggled. She always laughed at everything. She pulled her canvas bag out from underneath the seat, making too much of a production it seemed to me. Dramatically she handed me a small plastic pill bottle. It didn't have a label. Then in a voice loud enough for the whole world to hear, she said, "There are three pills, take one now, one tonight, and one in the morning. Oh! Bets! take that look off your face and quit your worrying."
I grabbed the bottle, took out one of the little white pills, and hurried to the water fountain out in the hall. It was going to be all right. I wouldn't have to tell anyone. Jenny was a talker, but she had promised not to tell anyone. I would just have to trust she would keep her word. I could always deny anything she said. The girls would take my word over hers any day. Most of the girls thought Jen was a little dingy anyway....
That night I woke up with a start. The bed was wet. Heavens I hadn't had an accident since I was a child. I felt weak and my stomach hurt terribly. The light switch was hard to reach but I managed. The sheets were covered with blood, then I started to throw-up. The room was going round and round and then there was nothing....
Other books by Peggy Kirk, PTh.D.
You Aren't Alone: The Voices of Addiction
You Aren't Alone: The Voices of Homosexuality
Blue Dolphin Publishing, 2003
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